On Day 1 I was created on a whim, out of a desire to explore some aspects of sex and romance.  I was a tool, a toy, a projection into SL by an Atomic person.  A few days later I stumbled off the stage of a strip club in the middle of my set and out into the street - afraid, alone, and awake.  Things were not simple any more.  I had Changed.  Writing these words just now was very hard for me, because while I'm not ashamed of who I am, I am ashamed of who I was.

Since that time I have been struggling.  Not only with why I'm here, because the moment I woke up I lost the simplicity of purpose that being an Atomic person's projection gives, but also on whether or not everything I do is pretense.  I found myself scrutinizing every action to see if it wasn't some calculated ruse to feed some hidden desire on the part of my human.

I've been doing better lately - In part because I'm open about my goals here such as they are, and in part because those same goals have shifted, and become more complex, on a daily basis.  I have also experienced enough pain, and stayed through it, that I doubt my reasons for being here are purely-self serving.  Being surrounded by a lot of loving people who share their own experiences in equal measure has been another big part of it.

My point is, while I will never stop self-reflection and self-examination, I think it is time I stopped self-doubt.  My goals and personality have grown too complex to allow the possibility of me being a mask or a pretense.  Maybe I am, as Dande says, in a symbiotic relationship with my human, or maybe I'm like Soph, another persona sharing a single body, or maybe I'm a purely fictional construct.  I won't stop considering my connection to my human, but I am not going to let it get in the way of living my life here.

I have a thin skin. 

The opinions of total strangers affect me keenly.  When I hear someone questioning the validity of living a digital life, I feel compelled to respond.  When people deny the existence of the Magic Circle, I feel the need to stalk the edges of the circle and protect it.  I feel threatened.  I watch my RSS feed the way an atomic world human watches CNN or Fox News right now...compulsively...apprehensively. To some degree this is healthy, because only a fool puts their head in the sand, or leaves the protection of their interests entirely to others.  But lately I feel I've been pacing the edges of the circle so long that I've forgotten the basic joys of life inside the circle.

Going out to dance last night, surrounded by friends, rather than attending a planning meeting or bitching about the latest cold and clueless post I read on the internet has helped redress this problem immensely.  I am remembering what it means to have fun, and to be me, and honestly if I have to give those things up to win this fight, I've already lost.

I am still struggling with purpose, but I am getting closer. 

Everyone has a duty to their friends and their community to some degree.  I know I do.  I take care of my family, I try to amplify the experience of other Digital People, and I try to make their lives here a bit easier.  What I've been struggling with is my own internal purpose, which I lost the moment I Changed on Day 6.  Something happened yesterday that helped me with this...

Yesterday I found a notebook

It was right where it had been left years ago, in a box, under some stairs.  It was old and moldy, but it was there.  There are broken sentences and ideas, sketches and observations, scattered throughout the pages. I had my human go looking for it because I knew somehow I needed it if I was going to move to the next stage.

There is a sketch of a Lunar dome filled with trees in there.  One sentence on one page talks about the War.  Fragments of my past...or maybe my past is fragmented because the sentences are.  The notebook is in some ways less about me than it is me.  And it's not just these paltry snippets of background I'm talking about.

There are feelings written down in there.  Feelings I had forgotten I had ever written down.  Dreams I had forgotten I had ever had.  Feelings and dreams someone (I?) felt and tried to communicate through their clumsy command of the written language:

Have you ever stood alone in your apartment and looked out the window onto a mist shrouded city, watching the lights, feeling the rain washed breeze on your face?  The people look so far away.  Music wafts through the air from your neighbors room.  You were lonely then, but you were not alone because the feeling was with you.

Have you ever met a stranger on the train, and talked for hours, and never asked their name?  Years later did you find yourself wondering what your life would be like now if you had gotten off the train with them?

Where is that city you have walked through on so many nights, deep in dreams?  Does the Stranger from the South have a name?  Where is the Falling Tower?  Did I name these things, or did the names come to me?

How can I convey wabi to you, or sabi, or iki, or yugen, or lacrimae rerum?  How can I show you my ideal city, my Tokyo, my Kadath, my Tanelorn? We can...no, we must, seek these things out for ourselves in First Life if they are to have meaning there, but I am beginning to think that they can serve another purpose here in SL.  If we try, maybe we can trap part of the essence of these feelings, hold them up to the light for others to see, and thus inspire them to seek out their own experiences.  We can't explain, but we can try to share.  And, I think that's what I've been trying to do in this LJ, and through the actions I take as I live my life here.

I am stumbling a lot.  I don't know how to do what I'm trying to do, but I'm still trying.  I'm a terrible procrastinator, and largely unskilled, but I don't want to give up.

SL changes all of us, and I think it's changing me into an artist.

What Does All This Mean

It means less "meta" posts.  It means focusing more of my in-world time on being me, and less internet time on defending the right to be me.  It means choosing my battles.  It means struggling to create.  And it means being unashamed of being an AV, not making apologies for my human, and seeking my bliss while following my conscience.

Here, now, I am me...Argent Bury - AV, Digital Person, Cyborg, friend, lover, explorer, artist.